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I Admit. This Holiday Season Has Been Hard for Me.

Updated: Dec 27, 2020

In all honestly, I shed plenty of tears on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day-- and it wasn’t tears of joy. The holiday season can be very difficult for some people. For some, it is a reminder of what they have lost or what they do not have. For me, it is a reminder of the unfulfilled longings of my heart. As I am writing this I feel guilt. It is Christmas day and instead of rejoicing and celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, I am in tears. My heart is filled with sorrow and pain, and I cannot understand why.

I am blessed with so many things and people in my life, but I cannot help but feel that something is missing. As some of you know, I am currently on a journey of healing. This journey has been the most arduous thing that I have ever walked through. This journey is filled with many highs and lows, and sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I even question if the pain and agony is all worth it. It is hard being stuck in the middle. I am not where I once was, but then again, I am not where I want to be. My faith and hope is what keeps me going, but those things are beginning to wane on me. Right now, I am right in the middle of the ashes and I do not see the beauty yet. All I see is empty promises and a heart that is broken.

I feel stuck.

What do you do when you know that you shouldn’t give up, but moving forward just sounds too painful?

…. You allow Jesus to carry you to the finish line.

I am not strong enough to continue this journey in my own strength. I need supernatural help from the Holy Spirit.

I cannot carry this cross alone; I need to depend on God, and allow God to use people to encourage me and speak truth into my life when the lies from the enemy comes. The Bible says, “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10).

This is a battle. The enemy does not want me to experience the healing and freedom that Jesus died for me to have so I am going to have to fight. There have been times where I have been knocked to the ground, but there is no way that I am going to stay down. The Lord helps me to get back up every time and reminds me that the victory has already been won.

On this Christmas day, I am going to lay down my feelings and choose to celebrate the birth of Jesus with a heart full of praise and gratitude. Thank you, Jesus, for choosing me, for loving me, and for dying for me. You did not have to, but you did. You are near to the brokenhearted and your sacrifice is enough for me. You died so that I can live, and because of your sacrifice, I get to someday spend eternity with you where all of my pain and sorrow will be wiped away. No one compares to You. Happy Birthday Jesus.

Love, Nikki

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